I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
As shirtless as possible
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
