I'm lost and stupid without you.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
