The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
