You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
