So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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