It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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