Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
