My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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