An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
