how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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