Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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