You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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