i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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