i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
