Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
