i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
