And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
