i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
