All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
It's never too late to be topless.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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