You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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