Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
