So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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