I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
as a side note pls kill me
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
