i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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