The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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