What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
