When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
