I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
