Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
