It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
