I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
