You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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