Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
