Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
