this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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