when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
