Umm I'm too high to move.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Randomize
