i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
