im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
