This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
