Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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