I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
