I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
