I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
