ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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