i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
please don't ironically join a cult
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