I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just found puke in my bra..
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
