he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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