Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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