3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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