Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
