my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
