i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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