Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Drake has all the answers
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
