I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
