when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
