you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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